Chapter 6 – Random thoughts on a Sunday

It’s been a while since I’ve been blogging, I’ve spent so much time working, studying and in my spare time when thoughts occur, decide if its worthy of my authoring book(let) — I have severe writers block, especially when all I do Is chat about my past.

This brought on a new thought – I’ve been a pop-u-lar dude since who knows when. Yearly I go though cycles and dispose of people that bring no value to my life. Which has left me with roughly 180 people on social media from well over 1500. Point is, people use, abuse, disappear and cause you harm without them even knowing they do it because they are so used to it.

So – I cut this post really short. Where do you go as a stupid IT geek nerd, introvert, to try and expand that friend circle with better people who care. It just feels like, I give and everyone took. Single life is a equation on its own. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn’t. I don’t know if Im even ready to try dating, but the feelers are there, but no. It still makes me sick. People married, wanting partners, my ex husband, looking for fun with his partner. Ergh. This world deserves more pizza, less testosterone and a little more care.

I miss people, I got into contact with someone today who also is at home, so Ill be doing a great effort to go visit next week – because we’re both suffering somewhere and some how. Sometimes all you just need is to know someone is there, someone cares.

Michelle Robertson – This is something that you taught me and I love you for this. I just wish David was here. The wells and millions of years I would cry just to hear his voice.

K bye, I go sleep

Sleep Stories – A useful guide to Meditation

Grounded - by Rose

Do you know that feeling and you’re about to full asleep and you’re fading in and out of a dream world so deep?
Your body’s feeling heavy and your eyes are getting blurry your mind, begins to drift on its own wonderous journey.
Your bed is like a cloud.
It’s soft and wispy white gliding, like a ship, on a sea of inkey night.
Under sparkling stars and the glowing crescent moon, your floating through the night, like a happy lost balloon.
You feel a soft freeze, blowing brushing across your face a reminder to be present and you feel it’s warm and embrace,
this bliss within these moments before the night ahead. When you yourself adjust enough at peace at home and bed.
Gazing at the sky, the stars dance and gleam you start to feel relaxed as you’re floating off the dreams song within your heart rises up from deep within allow your mind to calm and tranquil. Thoughts, begin. Lie safely in your bed wrapped up in your cocoon snuggle tightly in like a bud about to bloom moment to give Thanks and embrace the things You love recognise yourself in the stars that shine above.
Breathe in your surroundings. Free from all your cares. Faintest smell of jasmine, floats up into the air. You let yourself give in it’s the moonlight starts to spread to feelings of contentment as you’re quiet in your bed.
Take time to fill your body from your fingers, to your toes in tune, with your own song, your rhythm and your flow. You take a deep breath in and exhale, through your nose, feeling, weightless like a feather or a petal. From a rose. here. The steady cadence rain drops tapping glass. A rumble in the distance. But you know, the storm will pass. You welcome all the gifts that the world outside provides, but everything you ever need. You already have inside. You feel yourself. Take flight drifting with the wind, your sheets. Feel smooth is silk as they lay against your skin safe within your bed. Not too hard and not too soft. You’re in your favourite place, where you can just be lost.
Picture a wooden pier stretched out on a lake. The smell of pine surrounds you and your senses are awake glossy, water. Ripples as it reflects the moonlight’s rays. The wind runs through the trees and blows your cares away. Reward is gentle lapping and the rustling of the leaves creates a perfect stillness and your body feels at ease. You notice all the little things you usually ignore looking forward to tomorrow and the beauty that’s in store. You see the fainting moonlight shining on the wood? A mist is dancing lightly feeling every breath with good? Staying in the moment helps you to be aware. You are someone who is loved and have lots of love to share.
Loosen up your body from your head, down to your toes. Focus on your breath and notice where it goes. You can learn to clear your mind and hear your inner voice. Listen to its message. So you can make a choice. Take time to remember everything that’s real coming, more aware of what you think and what you feel? Let go of all distractions. If you lie between your sheets, focus, all your thoughts on the things that bring you peace. When you know your purpose, a strong, as a river’s flow, you connect your mind and soul. And they’ll tell you, where to go bring yourself to balance, like the bed, prepared, to fly feeling all your tension, float off into the sky.
Think back to simple times to see what you can find, your heart, will start to sing, as those memories, come to mind when you were, just a kid playing hide and seek all the laughs and all the smiles are all you’ll ever need back. When things were easy, when you didn’t have too much cherish, all those moments like your mother’s, loving touch eating lollies peaking. Flowers was just dancing in your room. When you find your in a child, your joy will start to bloom. safe and sound and happy on this magic room late night. Let yourself escape that simple time in life. Appreciate the little things, the people who you love Every breath, every tear, every kiss, and every hug.
Now, you’re in a forest as your bed. Just flirts along is melody and harmony and natures loving song beqssto listening on every stem and leaf and birds sing out in course each width. And mercy is swirling all around. You is the scent of you filled with this sweet and rich aroma of honey, mint and citrus nature lace before you the air, the soil, the water feel gratitude from mother earth. And all she has to ab the trees stretch out that branches how to they grow. So high their roots, dig deep down below. So they can touch the sky. You too can reach towards the stars, but you feel stronger on the ground where everything you have inside is waiting to be found.
From tiny seeds to flowers from vines to soaring trees. The rain falls from the sky and turns the forest green. As long as you keep trying and you can reach your dreams. Trust that what you have inside stronger than it. Seems the deep within yourself. All your body reconnects to clear away the stress of what the world expects. Like all the little sprouts that reach out to what the sun you’re growing day by day in your journeys, just begun single. Burning candle can set a room, a glue light. It shines within you is brighter than, you know, the future can’t be seen and there will be ups and downs flowers, find a way to grow through cracks and concrete ground.
The way our self-doubt is not for you to carry. Remember who you are know when you are ready? Except that there are times when you wear a heavy crown, but be thankful for what life gives you even when it slows you down, the image that’s been painted, is not always meant for you. So, step back and reflect. Except and then renew acknowledge every thought an interrupts your mind and let them wander off. And to yourself be kind, The gifts that you were given, can sometimes be a burden, but you upon the shine once they raise the curtain, you fill your heart with gratitude and feel yourself. Unwind right here in your bed. Let go and free your mind.
Your bed flirts by a beach. With the whitest softest sand. You listen to the way. Stay crush against the land. Connect with their intention that rocks you back and forth. I can everlasting heartbeat that never strays off course. The see goes on forever is far, as it is wide. It’s salty. Set lifts up as the tide begins. To rise is settled in a crazy spot staring at the sea of blue. You watch the ways blow by and feel yourself. Renew the sun begins to set fading fast beneath the sea, but you carry light within you. This is where you’re meant to be. It’s silver version mist is carried on the wind sense of concakes over and in a peace begins.
The world outside is fading. As you begin to see the reflection in the mirror, is who you need to be know that. What’s important beyond the flashing lights is the gratitude, you have for all the wavewbi2wand nights. As you look into the darkness, right before your eyes. No. You’re in a voice is not something to hide. You’ll truly have your freedom and you can learn to find magic. That’s anxiety as a blessings in your mind as you walk, your winding road, every twist and turn it takes, you’re thankful for the lessons and the journey that it makes. Now, you start to drift away your eyes, begin to close ways of sleep rush in and you laid back and repose.
Cuddled in your blanket. Peace, has filled your room. Let your mind, be easy and serenity, will bloom all the wisdom and all the joy that you’ve gathered here tonight. Lead you off to a peaceful sleep. Beneath the pale moonlight sleep will keep you safe from now until tomorrow. Nothing, he can harm you not worry for you or sorrow, snuggle in and rest your head. Your bed is soft and warm. Your blankets wrap around you shelter from the storm. You rub your eyes and take a breath ending in a yawn. It’s time for you to rest until the morning dawns. The dreams will soon come flirting on a spinning carousel, So now I’d like to say to you Good night, I wish you sleep Well.

Chapter 5 – The Beautiful

Just because  you love them,  it doesn’t give them  the right to hurt you.  Protect yourself,  love yourself,  no matter who’s  breaking you apart.  You deserve the world  and I hope  it doesn’t take  a lifetime to realize  that.

Chapter 4 – The Emotion

your first love should always be  yourself. remember this.

My sweet girl,  if I am ever missing,  if I am gone in another world,  please remember this.  Please remember  to remind yourself  of this.  Remember that not  all people are bad,  that not all people are good.  That everyone has both  light and darkness, and it is  up to you to seek the light,  and I hope you  always choose the light.  Remember  that sometimes  people actually want to help you,  but also remember  that sometimes  people want to use you  for their gain.

Remember that everything  you do is a shot in the dark,  regardless of how prepared  you might think you are.  And because of that,  know that you’ll never  be prepared enough,  and that everything that  is meant to happen—will happen.  And that when they happen,  it will be out of your reach,  out of your control  but how they affect you  will always be on you.  Remember that you will  never quite understand other people,  let alone yourself.  That you will commit  more mistakes than certainty.  Remember that things will  get bad, really bad, and that’s inevitable,  but also remember that not  all storms last forever.  Remember how nothing  is ever yours, that everything has an expiration date,  from memories, to things,  to people and places.  Nothing ever lasts,  so please take letting go lightly  and kindly.  My sweet girl, I can only  hope that I am there for you  to remind you of all these things.  Now, I am sure that I am missing  a few things here and there.  But ultimately,  if there is one thing to remember,  then let it be this:  That drinking wine  is good for the soul.  That good company  really is good company.  That failure is a beautiful thing.  And that you don’t have to prove yourself to  anyone other than yourself.  Oh, my sweet girl,  the thing is, you can’t trust anyone,  and sometimes  not even yourself.  Life is hard, confusing,  and strange.  Remember that,  always.

Chapter 2 – The Blooming

Magic is when you  live your life the way  you did not picture it  and leave nothing behind.

A famous author once quoted something that has always stuck with me.

 “And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” – Roald Dahl

Be inspired in life even when you feel like the world is swallowing you whole. Believe in the superstitious but can see. When you doubt, stand outside in the darkest of nights and look up at the stars. Look at the constellations and the zodiac, and look at the greatest of them all – the Moon.

I embrace mother nature and respect it albeit. I thrive being a selenophile. Staring up at the night sky and looking at how it shows off its colour in many sides, over many days. New moons, Full Moons, The Gibbous and Crescent phases. Each uniquely different, each showing its beauty.

Society taught us how to hate.  Hate taught us violence.  Violence taught us regret.  Regret taught us pain.  Pain taught us love.  Love taught us how to laugh.  And laughter makes every moment  far more special  than we could ever imagine  for ourselves.

Chapter 1 – The Chaos

Chapter 1

The Chaos

“Madness  and chaos  are self-destructing,  but  overthinking  will always be  the suicide. “

I always needed the chaos  within myself,  in order to  discover the extraordinary  that no man  could ever reach.

That morning,  I did not say a word.  I just watched you leave,  and in the end,  I wish I had stayed at home, made a different choice.  I stayed stuck,  somewhere between  a sweet dream  and a beautiful nightmare.  Hoping one day,  you would return  to rid me of all the  demons  you left behind.

And I’ve learned  a lot of things  this year  but the most important  thing I’ve learned is  that with every harsh  good-bye  comes a beautiful awakening.  That  with every door  that closes,  there’s another one  opening soon after.  And  whenever you help someone  and genuinely mean it,  the universe crowns you  and grants you the spiritual growth  you need. The difference is between people who genuinely need it and appreciate it, value it and don’t take it for granted as if its owed to them.

I have to  disconnect sometimes.  Find my own feelings  sometimes.  There’s nothing wrong  with my relationship toward myself.  I just need  to be  on my own sometimes.  That’s all.

I almost lost myself  doing things for others.  The year is almost gone  and I’m  just learning this.  I have to move forward  for me.  I have to find  what makes me happy  for me.  And  I have to learn  how to live,  ultimately,  for me.

I need to start  not to give a fuck  when you would text me.  I should forward  your calls  when you needed me  the most.  I purposely  and these days apologetically chose my friends  over you…  time  and time again.  And for what?  To prove what?  That I’m a sucker for love and appreciation from friends who don’t reciprocate?  That I’m too hard  to keep it real with you?  That I’m too afraid to be vulnerable.  Too afraid  to show you  what I feel…  or was it  to hurt you  before you hurt me.  What was it all for?  To lose you.  To cry alone  over you.  To regret  all the bullshit  I ever did to you.  In the end,  I did this to myself.  I caused you  so much pain  but when it was all  said and done… the only person  I was hurting  was myself.  Damn.  Growing up is hard.  Making it work  is hard  but nothing is harder  than accepting  the past  and finally realizing  how it all  could have been avoided…  if only  I followed my heart and made better life choices.

The darker the sky,  the more real  it gets.  Some nights  I miss you  more than others  and some nights  I’m afraid  of what  you make  me feel.

Introduction – Self Preservation

So, I’ve started a semi book with chapters and what all here. But tonight, typing this post on my phone I just feel a little frustrated.

Over the past few weeks I have been more concentrated on human behavior in terms of friendship, potential otherwise material and just how priorities seem to shift.

While I understand that everyone lives their lives and everyone is busy and has issues to sort out or find a means of harmony. I just feel so isolated and alone. Stressed and trying to balance myself out. I feel like breaking plates, crying until I’m dehydrated and screaming till the moon reaches out me for me to find serenity and peace.

See, I wifi