Chapter 1

The Chaos

“Madness  and chaos  are self-destructing,  but  overthinking  will always be  the suicide. “

I always needed the chaos  within myself,  in order to  discover the extraordinary  that no man  could ever reach.

That morning,  I did not say a word.  I just watched you leave,  and in the end,  I wish I had stayed at home, made a different choice.  I stayed stuck,  somewhere between  a sweet dream  and a beautiful nightmare.  Hoping one day,  you would return  to rid me of all the  demons  you left behind.

And I’ve learned  a lot of things  this year  but the most important  thing I’ve learned is  that with every harsh  good-bye  comes a beautiful awakening.  That  with every door  that closes,  there’s another one  opening soon after.  And  whenever you help someone  and genuinely mean it,  the universe crowns you  and grants you the spiritual growth  you need. The difference is between people who genuinely need it and appreciate it, value it and don’t take it for granted as if its owed to them.

I have to  disconnect sometimes.  Find my own feelings  sometimes.  There’s nothing wrong  with my relationship toward myself.  I just need  to be  on my own sometimes.  That’s all.

I almost lost myself  doing things for others.  The year is almost gone  and I’m  just learning this.  I have to move forward  for me.  I have to find  what makes me happy  for me.  And  I have to learn  how to live,  ultimately,  for me.

I need to start  not to give a fuck  when you would text me.  I should forward  your calls  when you needed me  the most.  I purposely  and these days apologetically chose my friends  over you…  time  and time again.  And for what?  To prove what?  That I’m a sucker for love and appreciation from friends who don’t reciprocate?  That I’m too hard  to keep it real with you?  That I’m too afraid to be vulnerable.  Too afraid  to show you  what I feel…  or was it  to hurt you  before you hurt me.  What was it all for?  To lose you.  To cry alone  over you.  To regret  all the bullshit  I ever did to you.  In the end,  I did this to myself.  I caused you  so much pain  but when it was all  said and done… the only person  I was hurting  was myself.  Damn.  Growing up is hard.  Making it work  is hard  but nothing is harder  than accepting  the past  and finally realizing  how it all  could have been avoided…  if only  I followed my heart and made better life choices.

The darker the sky,  the more real  it gets.  Some nights  I miss you  more than others  and some nights  I’m afraid  of what  you make  me feel.